The Lord-ish Person of the Rings
by Every Shade of Blue
Summary: A thoroughly ridiculous parody of Lord of the Rings that came into existence one winter's day during a boring chemistry class. It includes characters from and references to pretty much every movie and TV show I like, and even some I don't! Read (laugh) and review! Rated for language.
1. The Almost Fellowship of the Ring

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, Phantom of the Opera, Potter Puppet Pals, Pokemon, or any of the characters from any of these franchises. Unfortunately.

So the original title of this was _Lord of the Rings / Harry Potter / Pirates of the Caribbean / Star Wars / Hamlet / Psych, with Albert the Male Unicorn, Who Likes to Say "The Kraken!" (With an Irish Accent)'_. But that was just a little long. You have been warned.

And even though I make fun of pretty much every character there is, I promise I really do like them all ;)

* * *

**The Almost Fellowship of the Ring**

Bilbo was a hobbit. Bilbo had a shiny ring.

Bilbo: Shiny!

Bilbo's friend Gandalf told him that it was a very bad ring.

Gandalf: Bilbo, it's a bad ring. A very bad ring.

Bilbo: Oh, dear.

Gandalf: You must save the world by taking the Ring to Mordor and throwing it in the fire from whence it came!

Bilbo: Did you really just say 'whence'?

Gandalf: It's such a fun word. Whence, whence, whence, whence...

Gandalf wandered off for a while. In the meantime, Bilbo gave the Ring to his nephew, Frodo.

Bilbo: Here you go, little Frodo, have a ring! I'll just pop off now!

Frodo: Bon voyage! Hey, wait a minute...

Frodo's friends Sam, Merry, and Pippin showed up.

Frodo: Well, looks like we're going to Mordor, chaps.

Pippin: Is this, like, negotiable?

Frodo: No.

Pippin: [sighs] All right, fine. I promise I won't do anything stupid.

Merry: Yeah, right.

The hobbits set out for Mordor. Unfortunately, due to a slight weather delay, they missed their connecting flight in Bree.

Bree Spokesman: Welcome to Bree!

Merry: Go away.

Spokesman: Rude.

The hobbits met a mysterious man of mystery called Aragorn.

Sam: Anyone else getting major creepy vibes from this guy?

Aragorn: It's kewl, yo! Gandalf's my homedawg!

Sam: Seriously, creepy vibes? Anyone at all?... No?

Frodo: You're tight with Gandalf? You can come with us, since I don't hear any protests from those assembled.

Sam: What am I, chopped liver?

The group set out a-questing (again), and soon came to a hill called Weathertop.

Pippin: Ooh, ruins!

Merry: Ringwraiths! Yipe!

Sam: They got Frodo!

Aragorn: Ha! I've got _fire_!

The ringwraiths were startled, to say the least.

Ringwraith 1: I think I wet myself...

Ringwraith 2: Again?

Ringwraith 3: Despite the fact that we live next door to a volcano and technically cannot die, we're all terrified of this one guy with a flaming stick!

Ringwraiths 4-9: Run away!

The wraiths beat a hasty retreat.

Sam: Aragorn! Frodo's been stabbed! Whatever shall we do?

Aragorn: Stuff some weed in the wound, that should help.

Merry: Weed?

Aragorn: Oops. I meant 'weeds', plural. You know... just some plants.

Merry: ...Right.

Sam: Okay, what now?

Aragorn: Ummm...

Sam, Merry, and Pippin: [facepalm]

Aragorn: Oh, oh! I know! Let's take him to the elves!

Pippin: Isn't that where we were already going?

Aragorn: What?

Arwen rode up on a Harley.

Merry: Speak of the devil! An elf!

Sam: Shouldn't you be riding a horse?

Arwen: Not badass enough.

Sam: Ah.

Arwen: Now quick, give me Frodo so I can take him to Rivendell, leaving my boyfriend behind and hoping that he won't be brutally murdered by ringwraiths!

Aragorn: Kays! Here you go!

Arwen: Later, future hubby!

Sam: Are we sure this is a good idea?

Pippin: She's taking the hobbit to Isengard!

Merry: That's not til later, idiot.

So Arwen took Frodo safely to Rivendell, where the elves administered a healing potion not yet discovered by the likes of men or hobbits, that is known as 'penicillin'.

Gandalf was there, too.

Frodo: Gandalf! Where the **** have you been?

Gandalf: Sorry, Frodo, old buddy, old pal, I was - um - busy.

Frodo: Really? I nearly die and all you can give me is 'busy'?

Gandalf: [shrugs] They told me I was supposed to be all secretive-like in this scene. Now c'mon. You're wanted for a big council-y thingy, or somesuch.

Later, at the Council...

Legolas (the super-hot elf): That ring was made by a big, bad, archetypal villain character! It must be destroyed!

Gimli the Dwarf got po'ed.

Gimli: Oh, like I'm gonna let a bloody elf have that thing!

Aragorn: [behind his hand to Boromir] I think it's that time of the month.

Boromir: [snickers]

Gimli: I heard that!

Frodo: Screw this! Give it here, I'll do it!

Gandalf: If you want something done right, do it yourself, eh? I'm with you, buddy!

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Sam, Merry, and Pippin: Me, too!

Elrond: Well, looks like we've filled our quota, folks, so thanks for playing! See ya'll later! You know... if you survive and all that.

They left Rivendell, and Frodo realized that he didn't have the slightest clue where to go.

Frodo: Heey, Gandalf! You're all smart-ish like! Which way to Mordor, old chap?

Gandalf: I believe Mordor is to the right.

Frodo: Okey-dokey! Right it is!

Five minutes later...

Gandalf: Psst! Frodo! I think I was wrong.

Frodo: What clued you in? Couldn't have been this signpost that says 'This way to Mordor' pointing back the way we came!

Gandalf: I said _I_ believed Mordor was to the right. I didn't say _you_ had to believe it as well.

And so, with much grumbling about whether their guide was actually qualified to lead anybody anywhere, the Fellowship of the Ring set off for Mordor. They soon came to an enormous mountain called Caradhras, which was surrounded by unseasonably snowy weather.

Gandalf: Ooo! A big mountain! Let's climb it!

Everyone else: ...

~Cricket, cricket.~

Gandalf: C'mon! It'll be fun!

So the Fellowship began to climb Caradhras.

Gimli: 'Let's climb Caradhras,' he said. 'It'll be fun,' he said.

Gandalf: Shut up.

Suddenly, Frodo fell and dropped the Ring. I'm not sure how that's physically possible since he was wearing it around his neck, but I digress. Anyway, Frodo dropped the Ring, and Boromir was on it like an STD on the cast of Jersey Shore.

Boromir: Pretty ring...

Aragorn: I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not yours.

Boromir: Preeetty...

Aragorn: Yo! Dawg!

Boromir: Whoops! Here you go, Fro...

Hermione: You're a poet, and you didn't know it!

The Fellowship of the Ring collectively pissed their pants.

Gandalf: Who the **** are you?!

Hermione: I'm Hermione Granger! [notices Legolas] Oh! Heeey! You're so hot, I'm surprised you don't melt all the snow!

Legolas: God help me.

Ron: Hey! You're supposed to fall in love with me, Hermione!

Hermione: Can it, Carrot-top!

Harry: Guys, guys! Can't we all just - [notices the Fellowship] Uh... hi...

Gimli: And you are?

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Sam: And you came from where, exactly?

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Sam: What?

Hermione: He's stuck in a loop.

Ron: He does that.

Harry: I'm Harry Potter!

Ron: We ran away from Hogwarts and Apparated out of Hogsmeade to escape from Professor Snape!

Gandalf: You ran away from where and did what out of where else to escape from who?

Frodo: Forget that. You chappies need to go right back to wherever you came from.

Hermione: Why?

Aragorn: 'Cause we're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Oz!

Hobbits: [in chorus] Follow the yellow brick road! Follow the yellow brick road!

Gandalf: [sings] He's theeeere, the Phantom of the Operaaaa!

Aragorn: How many times do I have to tell you, those are two completely different musicals?!

Ron: ...What?

Aragorn: Jk. We're going to Mordor to chuck this-here ring into a big-ass volcano. We'll probably all die, but what's life without a little pressure, eh?

Hermione: I liked the first story better.

Ron: We'll all die? Dobby's sock!

Pippin: Dobby's sock? What the **** does that mean?

Ron: ****? What the Dobby's sock does that mean?

Pippin: Dobby's sock!

Ron: ****!

Pippin: Dobby's sock!

Ron: ****!

Frodo: Anywho... you dudes should clear out.

Harry: Nah, it's kewl! We're totally used to danger and all that fun stuff!

Hermione: Yeah! We want to come!

Gimli: ...Whatever.

So then the Fellowship (plus Harry, Ron, and Hermione) climbed a mountain, got a crap-load of snow dumped on them, and turned around to go through the dreaded Mines of Moria instead. [Imagine ominous music playing.]

In the Mines of Moria, they got attacked by a crap-load of orcs, and Ron wet his pants. And then Neville wet his pants. But then Neville disappeared, so nobody really noticed.

Pippin: Orcs! Yikes! [enter enormous cave troll] And a cave troll! Dobby's sock!

Harry: Shut up with the Dobby's ****ing sock, already!

Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!

Hermione: This one's not holding a club, butt-munch.

Ron: Oh.

Legolas: Say, here's a novel idea! Why don't you all shut up and _help kill this thing_!

Hermione: I'll help you, Legolas!

Legolas: Anyone else? Seriously, anyone at all? Anyone? …No? [sighs] Fine. [hands her a bow and some arrows] Try not to shoot yourself.

Hermione: [shoots herself] Ow! My foot!

Legolas: Oh, ****.

The fight ensued. Harry and Ron fired off curses left and right – until they realized it wasn't working and hid behind a pillar, crying like little girls. Hermione hopped around on one foot because there was an arrow in her other one. Neville appeared again, wet himself again, and disappeared again. Again, nobody noticed except for one orc, who ran away screaming about witchcraft.

Orc 1: Witchcraft!

Orc 2: Que pasa?

Orc 1: Witchcraft!

Orc 2: Okey-dokey then.

Legolas finally killed the cave troll with arrows super-charged by an excess of sexiness. The Fellowship continued on until…

A wild Balrog appears! [more ominous music]

Balrog: Well, hi there, guys!

Gandalf: A Balrog! SHIZ! [runs out to stand heroically in the middle of the bridge] You shan't pass!

Merry: …'Shan't'?

Balrog: [confused] But I just wanted to say hi –

Gandalf: [cracks the bridge with his staff] Ha! You shan't pass.

Merry: Can we make him stop saying that?

Balrog: Wait, you don't understand – [the bridge cracks. the Balrog falls. Gandalf falls.] Oh nooooooo!

Gandalf: Shiiiiiiiiiz!

Orcs: [shoot at Fellowship]

Gandalf: Fly, you fools!

Pippin: We don't know how.

The Fellowship ran away, and eventually came to the forest of Lothlorien. The elves there adopted Legolas as a long-lost cousin, essentially ostracized Hermione because she tended to follow them around and drool a lot, gave the whole Fellowship magical-ish grey cloaks, food, and boats, and sent them packing.

The Fellowship sailed down a big river until they reached a waterfall. Boromir went to gather some firewood.

Aragorn: Hey, Frodo, you probably shouldn't wander off.

Frodo: Okay.

Frodo wandered off.

Boromir: Give me the Ring!

Frodo: No! [puts on the Ring and runs away]

Boromir: Well, that didn't work out quite the way I'd hoped.

Darth Vadar: Yeah, that happens to me a lot.

Boromir: What the ****?!

Orcs: ATTACK!

Fellowship: Uh-oh.

Boromir: [dies]

Legolas: [looks sexy]

Merry and Pippin: [get abducted by orcs]

Orcs: [run away]

Frodo and Sam: [leave]

Legolas: [continues looking sexy]

Aragorn: Let's go follow Merry and Pippin, and abandon Frodo and Sam in the middle of nowhere.

Gimli: M'kay.

Legolas: I'm in.

Harry: I don't wanna walk.

Legolas: Walk? We're _running_, bitches.

Ron: Let's follow Frodo and Sam.

Hermione: I'm going wherever Legolas goes.

Legolas: Dammit.

Ron: Bye, Hermione.

Hermione: Seriously, that's all I get? You're supposed to be in love with me!

Darth Vadar: Well aren't you a little hypocrite?

Hermione: Shut it, metal man.

Darth Vadar: I hope you all heard that! It's not fair! I'm trying to be nice, I'm trying to change, and what do I get? Metal man! _Nobody understands me!_ [runs off crying dramatically]

Gimli: Awkward…

And so Harry and Ron took the last remaining boat that didn't contain a dead body and left to go after Frodo and Sam. Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Hermione left to go after Merry and Pippin, despite Legolas's best efforts to leave Hermione behind.

* * *

This chapter includes bonus references to both Potter Puppet Pals and Pokemon. Ten awesomeness points to the first person (or people) to point them out!


	2. The Two (Or So) Towers

**Disclaimer:** The list of things I do not own has now been extended to include Pirates of the Caribbean, Hamlet, The Avengers, Muppet Treasure Island, Firefly, and South Park.

* * *

**The Two (Or So) Towers**

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Hermione were following the orcs. Hermione got tired of running after about five minutes.

Hermione: [panting] Guys... can't we... just... Apparate?

Aragorn: Do what now?

Hermione: Apparate! Watch! [closes her eyes, spins in a circle, falls over]

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: ...?

Hermione: It didn't work!

Legolas: Yeah, right. Whatever you say. It "didn't work." [heavy sarcasm. finger quotes.]

Aragorn: Are we done acting like idiots now? [cough] *Hermione* [cough, cough]

* * *

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron had utterly failed to find Frodo and Sam, and were now completely lost.

Ron: Harry? I think we're lost, Harry. Are we lost, Harry? I'm scared, Harry. Will you hold my hand, Harry?

Harry: Bloody hell.

* * *

Aragorn: Well, folks, looks like it's about time to stop for the night!

Legolas: ...you do know it's only noon, right?

Darth Vadar: Oh, finally! I found you guys!

Hermione: Not you again!

Vadar: _Why are you so mean to me?!_ [run off crying again]

Obi-Wan: Seriously, Hermione? He's hard enough to deal with as it is, you know!

Hermione: …what?

Obi-Wan: Do _you_ want to take him to his next therapist appointment? I didn't think so!

Jack Sparrow: Looks like 'e could use some rum, mate.

Aragorn: Seriously, where the **** are you people coming from?

Will Turner: You tell me.

Elizabeth Turner ['cause they're _married_, dammit!]: Yeah, really. Where the heck _are_ we?

Legolas: Middle Earth.

Jack [sees Legolas]: 'ey, Will! You've got a dopple-whatsit!

Elizabeth: Is he trying to say 'doppelganger'?

Will: Jack, what have I told you about trying to use big words?

Jack: To not to.

Hermione had fallen behind. She now managed to catch up to the group.

Hermione: Don't worry, my sexy elf prince, I'm here! [sees Will] Holy smokin' hotness! Who's he?

Will: Me? I'm no one. Absolutely no one. So why don't you just, uh, go talk to him? [points her toward Jack]

Hermione: But he's not as sexy…

Orlando Bloom: You're _way_ too creepy for that to be taken as a compliment.

Hermione: _Holy mother of hotness!_ _Three_ outrageously attractive guys?! It's too much! My brain is overloading! Oh no! [a bit of steam comes out of her ears, she faints]

Will and Legolas: All right! [high five]

Jack: I'm still confused by all th' doppel-whatsit-ness goin' on 'ere…

Orlando: Uh… sorry, guys, I got nothin'. [disappears]

Gimli: Great. Now someone has to carry what's-her-face, here.

Obi-Wan: Nah, it's cool. I'll just use the Force. [levitates Hermione up off of the ground]

Will: Hey, cool! I gotta learn to do that! [tries to use the Force. Hermione goes flying and slams into a tree.] Oops.

Jack: Way to go, Will. Tha' was brilliant.

Legolas: Actually it was kinda funny.

Enter the Riders of Rohan™.

Eomer: Wtf? The script I got said we were only supposed to find three dudes here.

Aragorn: Yeah, the script kinda went out the window right after we started.

Eomer: Okay… [consults script] What business does an Elf, a Man, a Dwarf, a… um…

Narrator: An Elf, a Man, a Dwarf, a Jedi, three pirates, and an unconscious witch.

Eomer: Where?

Narrator: Over by that tree.

Eomer: Oh, okay. Thanks.

Narrator: Continue action, please.

Eomer: [consults script again] What business does… um… all you people have in the, uh… what's this word?

Aragorn: Geez, don't you memorize lines?

Random Horseman: I believe it says 'Riddermark', sir.

Eomer: What's a Riddermark?

Horseman: [facepalm]

Gimli: Anyway, we're chasing a bunch of orcs.

Eomer: Why?

Gimli: ****s and giggles.

Aragorn: [slaps Gimli on the back of the head] They kidnapped two of our friends.

Eomer: Lost my page, sorry… [flips through script] Here we go. We, uh, killed the orcs. 'Cause we're cool like that.

Horseman: Bitchin'.

Legolas: Find any hobbits?

Jack: Hobbits? Bloody 'ell, where _are_ we?

Eomer: Nope. No hobbits.

Obi-Wan: Sorry, dozed off for a bit. Is this bad?

Gimli: Yes, it's bad!

Jack: Drink some rum! It'll make it all better!

Will: Where the hell did you get rum?

Jack: [hiccups] I found where Lizzy hid my stash.

Elizabeth: It was worth a shot.

Aragorn: So _anyway_…

Eomer: I think I'm supposed to give you some horses. Is that, like, kosher with you chaps?

Will: Sure. Except someone has to ride with Jack, because there is no way he's staying on a horse right now.

Jack: [hiccups again] Whaduyah mean? Ima fiiine!

Elizabeth: [unenthusiastically] So who wants to ride with Jack?

Gimli: Nose goes! Sorry, Aragorn, you were last.

Aragorn: Dammit.

Eomer: M'kay. Here's some horses. See ya round. [rides off into the sunset]

Obi-Wan: …where did that sunset come from?

Jack: [tries to mount horse] Dang, this is hard – [falls] Woah! Far out! The sky is _spinning!_ Totally far out, man!

Will: Was there something in that rum?

Hamlet: Alas! The stranger hath drunk that poison'd brew being meant for mine uncle!

Everyone else: …?

~Cricket, cricket.~

Will: So… Jack's gonna die?

Hamlet: Perhaps not, good sir, perhaps not! For indeed, the poison seems somewhat tamed by this alien world, and doth not kill, but rather only disturb the humours!

Will: Is he saying Jack is high?

Hamlet: 'High,' good sir? I beg of you, tell me the meaning of this word 'high.'

Aragorn: What is this, Shakespeare in the park? [pretentious voice] Doth mother know you wear-eth her drapes?

Gimli: I vote we just don't talk to him anymore…

Hamlet: For shame, sir, for shame! My good people, I fear I must protest! For 'tis a rude affront to ignore thy fellow man!

Legolas: Yeah, seriously… shut up. Please.

Hamlet: All right, fine, whatever! Talking like that sucks anyway!

Aragorn: Wait, what?

Hamlet: What, you think I talk like that for kicks?

Shakespeare: Yo! Hammy-boy! What do you think you're doing? If you don't start talking the way you're supposed to, I'll rewrite your play, and you'll be in a world of hurt!

Hamlet: I already get poisoned and die! What're you gonna do? Kill me again?

Shakespeare: Don't test me, buddy-boy.

Hamlet: [sarcastically] Thy threats doth persuade my tongue to a more genteel speech, kind sir.

Shakespeare: That's what I'm talkin' about. [exeunt]

Gimli: If he's gonna start talking all funky again, we're kicking him out of the group.

Hamlet: Well that, uh, suck-eth.

Gimli: That's it, you're done.

Suddenly, Jar-Jar Binks rode up on a unicorn, which gored Hamlet on sight. Hamlet died. Again.

Shakespeare: Weak.

Obi-Wan: Never thought I'd say it, but nice timing, Jar-Jar.

Unicorn: What are you thanking him for? I'm the one who skewered the dude!

Elizabeth: It talks?

Will: Didn't see that coming.

Unicorn: My name is Albert!

Elizabeth: Right. Of course it is.

Albert: [with an Irish accent] The kraken!

Elizabeth: What?

Albert: [normal voice] I like to say 'the kraken.'

Will: That's… normal.

Albert: [Irish accent] The kraken!

Gimli: He's almost as annoying as the other dude.

Albert: The kraken!

Gimli: Kill me.

The group arrived at a lovely pile of burned orc carcasses, which, despite all appearances and logic, apparently didn't smell as bad as you'd think a pile of burned orc carcasses would.

Jack: Eew! Dead orcs, man! Totally sweet! [giggles]

Aragorn: Oh, crap, I was supposed to do something once we got here. What was it, what was it…

Gimli: I think you're supposed to kick this helmet and yell dramatically, smashing a few of your toes in the process.

Aragorn: Oh, oh! I've got it! I think I'm supposed to kick that helmet and yell dramatically, smashing a few of my toes in the process!

Gimli: Didn't I just say –

Aragorn: [kicks the helmet, yells dramatically, and smashes a few of his toes in the process]

Gimli: Whatevs, man.

Legolas: You good now?

Aragorn: No, my toes hurt. And I'm supposed to find some tracks next. [looks around aimlessly] What do you think they look like – Wait! I think I found them!

Will: [9 feet away] Wrong. They're over here, numbskull.

Jack: [giggles, hiccups, falls over, giggles some more] Hehe! You were sooo wrong, man! Hehe! The sky is so _blue_, man!

Will: How long is he gonna stay high?

Gimli: Could be awhile. That stuff lasts a pretty long time.

Legolas: You know this from… personal experience?

Gimli: Uh…

Jack: Woah! Freakin' big forest, man! Rad! [trips over a rock] Not cool, man! Who put a rock there? [looks around accusingly]

Will: Can we muzzle him?

Aragorn: Better idea… [picks up the rock that Jack tripped over and knocks him out with it]

Albert: Do you people do this often? Just whack people in the head willy-nilly?

Gimli: Hey, how come the funny-looking dude on the unicorn hasn't said anything?

Jar-Jar: Me-sa Jar-Jar Binks! Who-sa are you-sa?

Albert: Mostly 'cause he talks like _that_.

Gimli: Oh.

Legolas: And you hang out with him because…?

Albert: He's my brother.

Legolas: O-kaaay…

Albert: The kraken!

Gimli: Aaaah! Shut up! [notices Aragorn walking slowly into the forest] Aragorn? What are you doing, buddy? Aragorn?

Aragorn: I'm following the tracks, dimwit.

Gimli: You mean the tracks you were too dumb to find, birdbrain?

Aragorn: Yeah, those tracks, butt-munch.

Gimli: Do you even know who made those tracks, blockhead?

Aragorn: Your mom!

So the group-of-assorted-individuals-who-can't-really-be-called-the-Fellowship-anymore-because-most-of-them-aren't-actually-members-of-the-Fellowship went into Fangorn Forest, where, instead of Merry and Pippin, they found Gandalf.

Gandalf: Oh, heyy! Long time, no see!

Aragorn: Aww! I was having fun being all leader-ish!

Gimli: Aren't you supposed to be dead?

Gandalf: Yeppers!

Legolas: Care to explain…?

Gandalf: Well, see, it went sort of like this: me and Tom, we fell, right –

Legolas: Tom?

Gandalf: The Balrog. Tom the Balrog. So anyway, we fell into this ginormous lake, and after we got out, Tom was all like, "Hey, when we find our way outta here, do you wanna swing by my place for tea and scones?" And I was all like, "Sure! I _love_ scones!" But we were lost, see, so we couldn't find Tom's place, so we were wondering around and around and around. And then… [raises voice dramatically] _AND THEN_… [normal voice] I started to sing.

Gimli: [facepalm] What?

Gandalf: [sings] I WILL SURVIVE! OH, AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE, I KNOW I WILL STAY ALIVE! I'VE GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE, I'VE GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE, AND I'LL SURVIVE! I WILL SURVIVE! _HEY-HEY!_ [a few fireworks erupt from the end of his staff]

~Cricket, cricket.~

Gimli: Dafuq?

~Cricket, cricket.~

Legolas: Can we just go?

Aragorn: Rollin' out.

The gang turned around and headed for Edoras.

Will: So where are we actually going now?

Gandalf: Edoras. I need to see King Theoden.

Elizabeth: Why?

Gandalf: He owes me twenty bucks.

Will: …what?

Gandalf: Jk.

They arrived at Edoras and discovered that the evil wizard Saruman was controlling the king.

Gandalf: Go away, Saruman. I'm white instead of grey now, see? I'm more hip than you.

Saruman: Grr. [leaves]

Theoden: Boy, does that feel great or what? I feel fantastic now, guys, just fantastic! I'm so happy, nothing could get me down right now!

Gandalf: Ten thousand orcs are on their way here to brutally slaughter every man, woman, and child in your entire country.

Theoden: Kill-joy.

Everyone went to the fortress of Helm's Deep to hide from the orcs. Aragorn got lost on the way there, but found his way back… eventually.

Aragorn: Guess what, everybody? I'm back!

Gimli: Late much?

Aragorn: Screw you.

* * *

Meanwhile…

Ron: HHHHHAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYY YY! Where are you, Harry? I think I'm lost, Harry! Harry! Where are you, Harry?

Harry, Frodo, and Sam were hiding behind a large rock.

Sam: You're eventually gonna tell him where we are, right?

Harry: Wasn't planning on it.

Sam: Oh.

* * *

Aragorn: There's a crap-ton of orcs headed this way.

Theoden: ****.

Gandalf: So I kinda have to run. I'll see y'all later.

Theoden: Some help he is.

Gandalf: [from a mile away] I can still hear you!

Theoden: How does he bloody _do_ that?!

* * *

Ron: Harry? Where are you, Harry? I can't find you, Harry! HHHHHAAAAARRRRRRRRRRYYYYY!

* * *

Orcs: Ooh! A big castle-y thingy! I wanna attack it!

Theoden: Oh, crap.

Orcs: ATTACK!

Theoden: CRAP!

Narrator: Theoden runs away and hides.

Theoden's Captain: Heroically.

Narrator: Why heroically?

Captain: 'Cause he's the king. He has to do everything heroically.

Narrator: Everything?

Captain: Everything.

Narrator: Even eating dinner?

Captain: Dinner with a side of heroic-ness. Served with extra hero-sauce.

Narrator: And picking flowers?

Captain: Like a big damn hero.

Narrator: And hiding in a closet like a little girl?

Captain: As heroically as can be. Why do you ask?

Narrator: Because that's where he is now.

Captain: Dammit. I'll go get him.

The orcs attacked and fighting ensued.

Gimli: It's comin' right for us! [kills orc] It's comin' right for us! [kills another one]

Aragorn: Orcs aren't an endangered species, idiot, you don't have to do that!

Gimli: It's comin' right for us!

The orcs continued to attack. Will, Legolas, and Aragorn killed a lot of orcs and looked sexy. Gimli probably killed a lot of orcs, too, but he never quite got the whole 'and looked sexy' bit. In the end, the good guys won, because there wouldn't be a whole third movie if they didn't.

And also because a million-thousand trees showed up and ate all the orcs.

Trees: Mmm… tasty.

Elizabeth: That was weird. And a little disturbing.

Gandalf: Well, Saruman's not gonna be too happy about this. We should probably go see him. You know, sort of a consolation / haha-we-kicked-your-butt visit. But mostly consolation. And gloating. Okay, mostly gloating.

* * *

Ron: HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAARR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYY YYYYYYYYY!

Harry: **** it, I'm trying to sleep.

* * *

Ten awesomeness points each to **Bronze Cat** and **Nirette** for correctly identifying the Pokemon and Potter Puppet Pals references in the first chapter!

This chapter's bonus references are to The Avengers, Muppet Treasure Island, Firefly, and South Park. Again, ten awesomeness points for finding each of them :)


End file.
